It’s All about Death, Really By Barbara Leonhard

It’s All about Death, Really

The gap between compassion and surrender is love’s darkest, deepest region.      

Orhan Pamuk, The Museum of Innocence

I am ready to shed the old clothes,
the tatters that hang off my heart that I thought 
held some comfort but that no longer fit me.
I lay them out for display. Touch each one, 
each fear and attachment one last time.

I release my hoard of wants and needs.
My weight I put on for protection. My addictions
to coffee, chocolate, red wine. 
My attraction to numbing routines,
like scrolling my way through the ‘daze’ as though
my time has passed.

I let go of unhealthy relationships. Minds that no longer 
hold resonance to mine, may you be well. 
I’ll miss you, but I no longer grieve your absence 
or fear abandonment.
I forgive you and myself. 
I’m moving on into my vast true nature, 
which holds inner wisdom and guidance 
from my own tribe. I know my soul mates 
will never retire.

I unburden myself from other worries. Fear of illness
and joint failure. Fear of falling. 
Fear of success. Fear of defeat.
Fear of being a woman in a misogynistic world.
Fear of love and intimacy. Fear of crowds.
Fear of judgment and ridicule. 
Fear of losing my mind to social dementia.

I disengage my rationalizations and projections.
They have only misled me into thinking
that I am not responsible for my pain. 
Fear makes me a martyr, 
felled by false beliefs.

I surrender my need to be right in any fight. 
I can refract and reflect. I can move
in many directions. Not just as rays
but also waves. 
Just as Soul.

I relinquish my disdain for my pesky shadow
as I know she is here to teach me,
to terrorize my naked heart
until it screams open,
and I am finally able to see
that I do not need to be ‘fixed’.

My soul is no longer broken; 
it’s outgrown its fears.
Cleansed and ready. 
Ready. For what’s next.



©Barbara Leonhard

Bio 

Barbara Leonhard is an internationally known prize-winning poet and Pushcart nominee. She is especially indebted to Well Versed 2021: A Collection of Poetry and Prose and Spillwords Press for past honors. Her debut poetry collection, Three-Penny Memories: A Poetic Memoir (Experiments in Fiction, 2022), which is about her relationship with her mother, who suffered from Alzheimer’s, is a best seller on the Amazon. Barbara is also Editor for MasticadoresUSA.

Image: Eagle Bluffs on the Missouri River